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I’m a firm believer in loyalty and I’ll be the first to give it to someone before I expect in return, however, I’ll also be the first to give a friend, colleague, partner, etc., a chance when they fail to demonstrate their loyalty back. Some people confuse loyalty with respect, but in reality there is a difference between the two.
We all know respect is earned, loyalty is gradually gained too, but it’s expected quicker in that it usually starts with a more intimate relationship of some type, i.e., marriage, employment, partnerships, organizations or just about any type of paring or grouping of individuals for a common goal or mantra.
I for one am a firm believer in loyalty in all I do and with whom I do. Whether it’s the members of this community or my own kids or my friends, when I’m in a situation where I need support, I expect to receive that support of loyalty from those in my inner-circle and in my group. When the loyalty is not there and it should be, then I look at this act as a violation of trust, betrayal of friendship, of relationship, and even though I may remain quiet about the whole scenario, deep inside I’m offended and on rare occasion, even hurt.
No, I’m not asking for anyone’s pity and even I'm not perfect when it comes to loyalty. I’m just disappointed sometimes that over the past seven years I’ve worked on this community I’ve had folks come on strong and claim a friendship, some even asked for help and I gave, not just models and photographers, but people in general, and just when I thought I could count on them as friends, they turn. Some I've never even met, some try and start their own forums, some try and write their own books, some try their hand at workshops, some stick knives in your back when you're not even there, some just stay silent and even then some aren't even photographers, models, or even associated here on this site.
Now I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not perfect and sure I can piss people off like any other person can, but this “turning” by these individuals is more for their own personal gain and not truly for what they believe or originally stood for when I first met them—that’s what irks me.
I’ve been slammed many times on my own forum and other forums, no problem, that’s what happens as you build your name. I’ve been accused of everything in the book, you name it, I’ve done it in their minds, from rape to murder, I’ve been accused of it, again, it comes with the territory. Funny thing is, all the above has even happened to me by people I don’t know or have never met, again, it comes with the territory. Though I’m no rapist or a murderer, I’ll be the first to tell you I’m not perfect and I too have skeletons in my closet—that’s called life and anybody that doesn’t have bones in their closet is either a liar or not born yet.
I’m not out to slam anyone, I’m out to tell you to choose your friends wisely, be selective and don’t trust so quickly, let friendships carefully build—if it builds to fast, chances are it won’t last.
Let’s look at what friendship is? Just before his death, the great Malcolm Forbes once said in an interview he did not feel he was successful. When asked to describe his definition of success, he raised his hands to show his ten fingers and said, “When I have one true friend for each finger for each hand.” He went on to say he maybe had one hand filled and was still working on the other hand and because of that, he did not consider himself successful no matter how much money and fame he possessed.
I admire that statement and I reflect upon it often, always reminding myself that I still have another hand of my own to fill. When my day comes, I hope to die successfull, though wealthy wouldn't hurt, as in Malcom's case, as shortly after he did that interview he passed but I'm sure he enjoyed his art collections, yachts and jets.
Are your hands full of friends?
Probably not, but that's ok, even I’m still working on the first hand too, though if I add my wife and five kids, which are normally exempt from this analogy, I’d be successful with all ten fingers filled. Yes, if you do the math, I maybe have four fingers filled, though a couple of phalanges are starting to connect together.
One may venture out to ask, why do you feel this way, or why is this the current result after 44-years of life? It’s simple. I have a notoriously bad habit of trusting people too quickly. I’ve helped people in many ways, some with workshops, some with contacts, some with their careers, some right here in this community with promotions, some with introductions, some financially, some with solemn advice and to all of them I gave a piece of my trust only to find out later their loyalty was a farce.
In the end, disloyalty by some so-called friends may be considered betrayal, but it’s more of a sign of disrespect than anything. On the bright side, these actions by others have made me smarter--as they said in the Army, "It builds character." The result of it all, I now pick and choose who I help more carefully and will do so much less than before. I'm careful who I befriend, who I work with, who I confide in, and I thank those that have believed in me, I'll do my best not to let you down, as I'm a proactive SOB who often never sleeps for the sake of family and friends' livelihoods. I believe in my God and my faith, that is my loyal trait that keeps me going along with the words, “Daddy, Dad, father, husband and friend.”
I end this personal rant with the most famous verse ever written, “I am that I am.”
Well it was just my thoughts for the day, remember, printed words sound harsher than spoken words. In reality, it's just called the "truth." But honestly, if you have to ask, it wasn't you. Those who fit the mold know darn well who I'm talking about...but not you jimmyd, cuz I like you man....you are who you are, wishing you the best, rg sends!
Dunno who you're referring to RG, but it's a two-way street. I know plenty of people I'm not fond of that I do business with because it's good business to do so. I don't rely on the fragile sovereignty of friendships…most are fleeting, superficial, and cheap costumes…you know who your true friends are; others will turn their back on you when feeling their position is compromised. I’ve seen it a million times, and it’s happened to me more times than I care to count…if you can’t handle it, welcome to the world. It doesn’t get easier and it’s inevitable, I’m afraid. We tend to hurt each other in this existence, and we seem to do it with a degree of self-righteousness and sometimes warped rationale.
These are the folks whom you’ve known for years, don’t call for years or months and it’s like you never parted when you speak again. You will meet good souls and call them friends, but then you’re just passing each other in the night ultimately.
If this post was for a reason, don’t forget to look how the inward might be affecting the outward, young man. If you’re giving your trust too freely and you’ve been burned, quit letting the victims into your life just so they can steal from you. And don’t forget too…it’s easier to blame others than yourself. People get burned because they allowed themselves to…and maybe they didn’t learn the first few times. We’ve all been burned…I’ve tried to do my best to quit whining about it and preventing it. Maybe you’ve burned a few people and didn’t know it. We’ve all done it….anyone who says otherwise is foolish, a liar, or both. No one on this earth is an angel, otherwise you’d have wings. We all know you’ve made a few unfriendly acquaintances, as we all have done in our lives. Can you say you’ve been the victim 100% of the time? No one can, and to be fair, you post did not allude to such perfection.
Friends come and go, some real, some phony. You try to do right by them and move on. I don’t wax poetic over the ones that disappear forever…it’s just the paths are no longer diverging and they’re on their own way. Welcome to the Way It Is. And yes, people will try and screw you over….we’re humans for chrissake. It’s what we barbarically try to do to each other…every day, millennia after millennia. One must learn to deal. And if you are truly are what you are, think about how you kight be perceived to others. It may be totally different than your perceived self-actualization. And by the way, we're selfish beings as a matter of instinct and a society based on money and capitalism feeds into that....it will not change. One must adapt to it; the need for throngs of friends (or maybe 10 good ones) will inevitably leave you dissapointed in a few of them, as some might be in you. Again, part of human existance is beating the crap out of each other over my-wants vs your-wants.
And even better, in these types of discussions, we never talk about if we’ve undone somebody...it's someone else's fault, dammit! I know...it's me, fer pete's sake..who would know better???. Yeah, I’ve been less than a perfect friend to others and can say so. I’ve also been an amazing friend to some who have been very appreciative and other might have bit my hand….whatever. I did the best I could. Such is the risk of human interaction and ya move on and don’t sweat the small stuff. I’ve got a good memory too, but I hope the a-holes simply hang themselves without my help. 5 times outta 10, they usually do. I don’t get hung up in this “who is my bud thing”…I worried about it tremendously when I was a teenager. Today, whatever. Life’s too short.
I don’t need 10 fingers of friends. I need one family.
And at the end of the day, to me, that’s what really matters.
JL, I was not referring to anyone in particular and while I mentioned the topic "friends," the gist was about "loyalty" which goes with friends as well as other types of relationships, as mentioned originally in the article.
The post was about my particular thoughts about "life and the loyalty associated with it" in general, not the lack of friends or so-called friends. As you so eloquently stated, I did in fact mention I've been on both sides of the coin. No one is perfect, far from it. Again, the gist of the article was more about "loyalty" not "friends." Loyalty is expected from employees, but normally it's fraternization if a subordinate employee befriends a superior. Loyalty is expected from people you help, it's an ethical return, perhaps it's the Latin in me as in our culture when you give, you receive back, it's our nature.
While I don't agree with everything you said and I'm even troubled by some of your words and phrases, I do agree with some of your philosophical mentions, which can be summed up in one phrase, "no sh*t." Anyone with common sense knows life is not perfect.
I'll have to disagree with the "no friends" comment, while family comes first, and as I mentioned in my original rant of this article, not counting family with the finger illustration cause in my case, that fills up the phalenges, besides, family is automatic in my book. People don't normally die in vain, keyword, normally. At the same time, I don't need a popularity contest, but we all need friends and we should all have at least one true friend especially in the times we live in today. I have at least four, and as mentioned in the original article a few more on the way, but it doesn't happen overnight.
On perceptions, since you brought it up, they are normally misleading, as perceptions are not truths, they are usually based on rumors and the grape vine. I'm agast that you think you don't need friends and it's ok to screw them and beating the crap out of them to gain what you want (your words, not mine).
Even in business relationships, you have business friends--they do exist, far and few, but they are out there, and as you pointed out, some are real, some are fake and out for their own personal gain.
I close by saying I still can't believe some of your statements, perhaps I'm just misreading them, who knows, but If I had asked you about "friends" in an employment interview and I heard you speak what you just wrote, I'd be the last person on this Earth to hire you with those remarks. Just my thoughts, don't read into it, just based on your reply--I am that I am. rg sends!
I don't think I ever said "you don't need friends and it's ok to screw them and beating the crap out of them to gain what you want". Friends are nice; some friends will try and screw you no matter what your best intentions are. I was implying that humans are selfish by nature and we'll hurt the ones closest to us sometimes. I don't live a mantra of taking advatnage of friends...again, that was never said.
And if you think you have business friends, think again. When you stop becoming the dollar sign to someone, things change...and true reality sets in. I've seen it a million times. True friends lay outside the realm of money; inside that realm, you have business aquaintences....if you misconceive them as true friends, there's where your loyalty issue comes into play when things go south. Why weren't they loyal? You were a $, don't you see? And now, you've served your purpose...they're done with you. Some people can't handle that. Kinda like the guy in the strip club who thinks the dancer really, really likes him.
And also, I can't imagine anyone asking this kinda thing in a job interview. It would be irrelavent.....in my many years in corporate life, I've never been asked that question....no one would do it.
We'll agree to disagree....you should not be aghast at the notion that even the most fiercest of loyalty from you will get you stiffed; when it happens to me, I'm never surprised, so I do what I can to hedge it on the front end. If people have turned their backs on you, try to understand why it happened. That's not a Rolando-thing, it's an anyone thing.
And when we answered why it happened, sometimes we may not like the answer that we simply did it to ourselves. Lord knows, it's never our fault.....right? if you do what's right on the front end and have no expectations from the people you help, you won't have loyalty issues...you'll be dealing with the way it is.
You are right, we are cut from two different molds as I agree, we must disagree on this issue. Perhaps it's the difference in our cultures or how we were raised. Perhaps it's your MBA verses my Bachelor's. Perhaps it's I'm not as shrewed as I should be. Perhaps it's because you used to work in the district in NYC before you moved where you are now. Perhaps it's my military training. Don't know, but I do know, it is what it is with me when it comes to loyalty and it means what it means to me and I measure people by their loyality. I base their character on it.
Again, my main article was about loyalty, it is different from respect. Respect is earned, loyalty is somewhat earned but more expected in certain situations. For the record, you don't have to be friends to expect loyalty, to give it or receive it--employment is a good example. Maybe I should have titled the subject "Don't bite the hand that helps you." You are right, it is what it is, I am that I am. Wishing you the best, rg sends!
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